1) Regardless of how attractive a teammate’s wife/girlfriend may be, players MUST resist at all costs, the temptation of engaging in any form of sexual relations with them. Any player(s) caught falling foul of this rule will be locked away in a dungeon, with Wayne Rooney’s granny prostitute, until it has become scientifically proven that the player has been conditioned into believing sex to be a repulsive act.
2) Upon arrival at an England camp players MUST hand over all mobile phones, or internet accessible devices. All players will then be issued with FA designed hand sets. All mobile hand set’s will be loaded with £5 credit and any attempt to access social networking sites will result in the offender receiving a painful electric shock.
3) When staying overnight at an England Camp players are expected to pair up with their polar racial opposites, if numbers allow. The resulting pairings will represent your new room mate.
4) Whilst away on England duty team accommodation will be restricted to single bed rooms. All pairings (as outlined above) will be expected to share beds in either, ‘top and tail’ or ‘spooning,’ fashion. This comes as a result of the FA wishing to eradicate racial tension within the game. Gary Neville will perform a hands-on check of all rooms each night, to ensure this rule is adhered to.
5) Game consoles are allowed at camps, but ‘gaming’ time will be limited to two hours per person per night.
6) The above rule does not apply if you are a GOALKEEPER. In which case you are strictly forbidden from involving yourself with any computer games. We do not care for a repeat of the ‘David James Fifa Flapping’ saga.
7) Any England player found guilty of ‘simulation,’ whether in training or during a friendly/competitive international, will be subjected to a team ‘pile-on.’ In order to ensure the severity of this punishment James Corden has agreed to act as ‘last man’ for all future ‘pile-on’s.’ The FA will not, and does not, accept diving in our game.
8) As of the 1/11/2012 only singletons, or confirmed homosexuals, will be selected for England duty. The FA will no longer tolerate WAG culture distracting the England cause. Players that are involved in divorce proceedings WILL BE considered.
9) In addition to the English National Anthem before games, all members of the England squad must hold hands and sing the ‘Three Musketeers’ theme tune ‘All for one and one for all.’ The singing will be lead by the team captain. On completion of the song all players MUST turn to their right and kiss their teammate on the cheek.
10) Any player(s) found communicating with Joey Barton, in any way, shape, or form will automatically be banished from the England squad… FOREVER.
What rules of conduct would you like to see the FA introduce?
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