Westminster digested: It's conference time for Cams and … oh cripes, here comes Bozza

Patrick McLoughlin: Sorry to bother you, Mr Cameron, sir, but we have a teeny problem with the rail franchise.

Cameron: And what is the problem?

McLoughlin: Um … I've been going back through all the figures and it seems they are catastrophically wrong.

Cameron: You complete moron. This is the last thing I need on the eve of the party conference, McColgan.

McLoughlin: It's McLoughlin, sir. And it was nothing to do with me. It was all Justine Greening's fault.

Cameron: So what went wrong?

McLoughlin: They forgot to factor in inflation,

Osborne: What's inflation?

McLoughlin: I'm not sure, but whatever it is they forgot to factor it in.

Cameron: I suppose I can't really sack you, McColgan, as two transport ministers in as many months begins to look a bit careless. So we'll have to blame the civil servants instead. Now, what's on the agenda for Birmingham?

Heremy Junt: I thought I might launch an initiative to lower the abortion limit to 12 weeks. That should be a vote winner!

Cameron: I'd forgotten just how stupid you really are.

Everyone: We hadn't.

Cameron: I want good news. I'm up to here with all the "Ed Miliband is the new messiah" headlines.

Clegg: I was the new messiah, two-and-a-half years ago.

Boris Johnson: Step aside … Have no fear, Bozzer is here!

Cameron: Just when I thought things can't get any worse.

Bozzer: Ave, parvi populi! Heard the one about the Tory leader who was a bit of an old woman? That's a Latin joke, by the way ... Where was I? I'm completely behind Dave. Ha ha. I haven't really got anything to say …

Everyone: We don't care. We think you're just like Benny Hill.

Bozzer: I'm off home now. Happy?

Cameron: No, I'm bloody well not.

Everyone: Well we are. We're off too.

Cameron: You can't. You've got to listen to me. Please. I know times are tough but everything will be OK in the end so long as we stick to the plan we know isn't working …

Caretaker: Oi, you on the stage! Turn out the lights when you're finished.

This article was written by John Crace, for The Guardian on Wednesday 10th October 2012 21.00 Europe/London

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